STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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