Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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