and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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