i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
