the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
