I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
