I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
