I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
