God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
