Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
