***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
