FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
