Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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