hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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