Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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