Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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