are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
