I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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