So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
