During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Randomize
