i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just googled if crying burns calories
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
