On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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