One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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