Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
