Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
