By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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