At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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