who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
