I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
