I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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