yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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