oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
