I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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