well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
