Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
