I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
