it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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