once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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