Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
