How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
God, you're like boner-b-gone
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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