I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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