I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
