Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Randomize
