I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
