The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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