u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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