theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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