my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
