When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
