i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
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